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7th Feather

unimagined, indescribable, interconnected experiences

12/30/05 11:27 pm

I shouldn't have eaten so many chocolates... I shouldn't have eaten so much fucking crap. Fucking pretzels? So much sodium! Uhg... I am so fat right now. I feel like I need to throw up. That's at least 1500 calories, not including everything else I ate. Fat cow, what's your fucking problem? You could at least eat healthy while you're gorging yourself. I'm disgusted. I took one long, hard look in the mirror and all I saw was a screwed up fat-ass. Aren't you even TRYING!? Maybe you just want to get fat so everyone will pity you...

...

FUCK.

Or maybe I'm letting these thoughts happen because I desire to be sick. Sick and weak and underweight. An attention-magnet. Look at poor Laurel, she's so unhealthy... everyone pay attention to her and love her and tell her it will be okay! Oh, please do... maybe she

That's enough of this shit. I wonder if I should bother posting this. If I do, will it be for the attention? (No, I'll disable comments) If I don't, will it be repressing everything? Oh, fuck it. Things like this are going to happen. I just have to move on... and not stuff my face within five seconds of seeing food. DURR.

Sorry. Just a momentary lapse in... something. Bleh bleh blah.

12/30/05 05:14 pm - Mmm... Caramel Wirls!

Due to some "innocent" questions from my younger sister, Ann and I laughed for about an hour and a half last night. NON-STOP, basically. It was so disturbingly hilarious that we actually laughed ourselves to sleep!

We went to the Thousand Islands mall yesterday and bought some shirts and Ann got these cords... I bought the book Go Ask Alice, which I'll start reading tonight since I relinquished Ann's present... heh.

And OMG, Ann got me some Johnny the Homicidal Maniac comics! MHJGFFJSGDSHGFsjhgdghsGDSHDFS!!!! XDDDDDD And Fruit's Basket and knee-high socks! XDDDDD

And chocolate... which I have eaten TWO FLIPPING BOXES OF!? What the shit!? Damn you and your addictive band-trip fund-raising caramel chocolate! ...I want more... :'(

Anyway. Since I got bored of the old layout, I changed it. Woo. I must have the attention-span of a slice of cheese. O____o;;

Steven the Vegan will make you soil yourself with laughter. I swear.

12/29/05 09:47 am

So. Last night we played Shadows of the Collossus and OMG THAT BOSS FREAKED THE HELL OUT OF ME. We were so loud that my mom came up and flipped out at us. O______o Anyway, that game is fucking awesome... O____O Along with Katamari, I'm buying that one. And a webcam. ^___^

Urm... last night Ann slept on the floor because the bed was teh suck. O___o Then she attacked me using her pressure-point police-sciences CRAZINESS. It hurt so bad... o________o;; But I wasn't injured! ^_______^ *thumbs up*

Pandora Radio decieved us by sticking a Bratz song in the station we were listening to. Damn them all to heck! >_____<

And OMGWTF penm is the best poet/writer ever. I am seriously impressed and inspired. ^___^

12/28/05 12:39 pm - Hm.

ENFP

"Motivator"

highly energetic; enthusiastic, charming, imaginative, improvisational; sees possibilities; spontaneous; easily bored with repetition; enjoys solving people’s problems; catalyst, marketer, language skilled.

 

BrainTypes.com

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12/28/05 11:34 am - :D

OMG chaoticskies comes over today and my mom was working in the city. She decided to randomly change the pick-up time, giving us like two hours to pack and/or clean and/or... STUFF. WTF!?

But yeah. XD!!!

We're gonna squee and play We <3 Katamari and dance and make flower necklaces and buy cheese and make cupcakes and knock down lego towers and sing and play Katamari some more and ROFLcopter and play TicTacToe and dig up dinosaur bones and rant and arm ourselves with illegal weapons and rob banks and colapse and pretend we're airplanes and skip town and take the bus to mexico and get kicked out of the mall and light things on fire and scream and then do it all again! :DDDDDDDDDDD

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! >:D

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12/27/05 02:49 pm

I was playing .hack//INFECTION today and suddenly got really, really tired... I almost fell asleep in the middle of this crazy battle. I had to take a nap after that. O_____o I'm really groggy for some reason. Somehow I keep thinking it's the pills... I actually feel more confused and my mind is becoming stuck on those thoughts more easily. But it still doesn't matter, I can just ignore it and move on. Bleh.

Anyhoo, I'm buying a webcam on the seventh when my mom drives me to Kingston. :) I wish I could get it sooner but that's the day she gets paid... >____> Still...

Hm. Not sure what else to say... I'm too tired to think of some intelligent, funny thing to say. :P

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12/26/05 05:19 pm - lalalalala lala la la la la la

I realized today that I had forgotten to take my Luvox yesterday and today... stupid hectic Christmas. Strangely enough, I felt better without... but that might just be because of AJ though. :P I can't wait until our date on the 7th (yay, lucky number!). We're going out to lunch and then a movie. OMG. XD

On another note, I am now completely addicted to StumbleUpon! :O

oops...Collapse )

Yeah. It kicks ass. :D

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12/25/05 08:16 pm - eets aboot meeeeeeee

Wheee surveys. Yeah, I'm that bored.

long survey time wheeeeeeeeCollapse )

Anyway. I've spent the better part of the day playing .Hack//INFECTION and OMGWTF I LURVES EET! :D .Hack is becoming more and more complicated... the story is amazing and the immersive gaming Freaks. Me. Out.

12/25/05 01:41 pm - Melly Crastmas! :P

Wheeee... I woke up at five AM today, as usual, and couldn't get back to sleep again. Instead I watched early morning cartoons... one of which was called "Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go!". O_____o Long enough name? Finally my parents <s>were annoyed until they stumbled downstairs</s> got up around seven... which led to much of the present-opening joy. ^___^ A PS2 was number one on my list (after the Invader ZIM DVD, which I didn't get!!! :O *OMG 'SPLODE*) and I finally have the .Hack games in my possesion! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! XD

Along with that, we got the Ghost in the Shell game... apparently it sucks, but meh. And Soul Calibur III... I made my own character... muahaha, it's hilarious. Alana's character is a complete bitch... (and not only because her cheap button-mashing skillz totally kicked my ass about fifty times :( *sniffle*)

A nice new journal was another great gift since my old one has gone not-so-mysteriously missing. >____> And with about 70 monies should be enough to get me a decent webcam. ^____^ Squee!

Merry vaguely-religious holiday everyone!

12/24/05 10:19 am - LOLercaust, wheeeeeeee

OMG, my colours still look all messed... I'll fix it tonight with a new scheme altogether. >____>

We're having company over tonight so I'll be flipping cleaning all day (that reminds me, parental unit 1, mother class, forgot to wrap a present and now I have a sweet Napoleon Dynamite keychain that says quotes. wheeeeeeeee) and then mingling with insane people. O____o

Spending like three hours looking at lingerie last night with AJ was hilariously fun. (Do not ask. :P Just use your imagination. ^____^) WTF with that one creepy man-lady though...? Freaky.

12/23/05 04:10 pm - hm....

Things have been pretty confusing lately. Every thought I have has to be double-checked for correctness... feelings must be considered carefully before acting. I can sense when I'm leaning toward old habits though, and for once I have a say in where that leads. Sometimes I feel really confused as to how I avoid dealing into unhealthy coping devices... when I feel fat, what do I do? There's nothing really immediate I can do to make me feel better...

The feelings will pass though. ^____^ They're not forever. Sometimes just a distraction will work. It's only because I've wired my brain to think in this pattern for so long that I'm still going through them in my head. Eventually they'll go away. Anyway, they might turn out to just be drama so it doesn't matter.

12/23/05 10:11 am - Moments before a Kiss

Silence hangs like the lights on the tree;
an ornamental quiet flickering between us
we're stretched as close as we can get.
our eyes, the opposite poles on a magnet
trying to swivel and lock into place -
a natural reaction
to bated breath,
to sweaty palms,
to fluttering heartbeats and hopeful thoughts.
We synchronize,
secretly hoping our hopes haven't been written
in the oh-so-carefully constructed guise
that neither of us has really perfected...
I know my cheeks are red from blushing;
so are yours.

12/22/05 11:25 am - Freedom at last

Dr. Roberts was right about me; I am an attention-seeker and I have been manipulating the people around me. I never once lied but I never stopped to think about my own thoughts. I'm ashamed of my behavior and embarrassed that it got so far but I'm not going to victimize myself anymore. I control my thoughts, I control my actions. Just because I think something, doesn't mean it's true.

This is my turning point. ^___^

I want to say thank you and apologuise to everyone I've worried and affected... I needed you all to get through this confusing stage of life and now that I'm finally through I'm ready to be someone again. I see light in my future, for once... I see a person who doesn't need to be perfect to be important to someone in the world. I see... someone deserving of the life they were given. ^___^ I'm not going to let my past behavior trouble me any longer. It's time to grow up and rise above what was blown way out of proportion.

12/21/05 02:42 pm - Just so you know

MSN messenger isn't working and my computer is freakishly slow. That's why I haven't been on...

12/20/05 07:50 pm - the idea of death

Today I cut with a knife from the kitchen. It was serrated and dull but did it's job well enough. I looked up Luvox overdoses... they're non-lethal and I'd rather not go that way for the sheer unpleasentness of the results. There are lots of medications in this house though.

I think I'm going to call the crisis line tonight. Or maybe not. We'll see.

I want people to stop caring about me so that I can kill myself and know I'm not leaving them with more hurt. My suicide note will be an explanation of the stages of grief and permission to progress them. Anger and fear are natural.

I'll be around for a while though, don't worry. My thoughts are unpredictable. I won't die before January 25th, at least. Still, I should call the crisis line... my mind has been too happy with the idea of death. No, that sentence was just a remnant of SI's caring, her attention-seeking, Ana's anger. Still, there's time yet.

I'd like to say I'm sorry in advance. For this post. For everything. Just in case. Be angry, be sad, be frustrated, scared or confused if you are. Don't feel guilty or think I don't care anymore... please don't. This is pre, not post. This is thought, not action. This is a prediction. It's okay.

12/20/05 08:45 am - all wrong

I dreamt last night that I was sent back to the hospital because of attempting suicide. Several people I knew were there and a few that I didn't as well. I remember discovering that I had my razor blade and saying, "I don't want to be here." The Numbness was speaking to me as well. It told me to keep waiting and assured me that soon I'd be ready.

It's twisted. Corrupted. I want it to shut up.On the other hand, I don't.

 Things are all wrong.

I don't want to talk to a counsellor this time. I'm a burden to them. They are for people who want help... I do not. I want sleeep...

But SI doesn't think so...

12/19/05 02:33 pm - happy times

My life so far: angst, angst, wangst
My prediction for the future: angst, angst, wangst

Get ready for much of the same.

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12/19/05 10:53 am - no time

The slowness kills me. It's too quiet, too unreal... like my head is shrinking and I'm looking through the large end of a telescope. All I hear is white noise -- the words blend together to form a thick paste that is spread over my consciousness by some unseen knife. I wish I could tell you I have my reasons but I can't remember them anymore.

I'm too tired of telling people I'm tired to say it anymore. I've heard it a million times, I know it's my fault. If it's my choice, then leave me be. I'm tired.

I want to melt away, drift off like air, and cease to be another number added to the total stress of every day life. I want to bleed away and sink into quiet. I don't want to go to heaven; I don't belong there. Heaven is for the righteous, saints and martyrs -- people any God would adore. I don't ask for forgiveness because I don't think I deserve it.

And there's no time for sleep just yet.

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12/19/05 09:51 am - whatever.

My first day back at school. Dropped music, I suck at it anyway. We're going to arrange counselling this afternoon with a different counsellor at the wellness center. They'll come to the school so my mom doesn' have to know. I don't even care anymore... I want out of their way. I want sleep...

I was going to take the blade out of my sharpener today but since I have two spares now I thought I may as well just take one from the razors. So I did. Now I need a good place to hide it. Having cuts again will make things easier on the inside.

12/18/05 08:49 pm - so untrue

Confusion has really messed things up. Ana's been jumping from control to crippling depression and back again... it's painful when she comes back to the surface seeing how many calories I've consumed. I don't think she can last much longer so I can't really rely on her for stability. Furthermore, the group stuff at the hospital cracked Ana's barrier of anger and she's not so certain about herself anymore. That leaves SI... since her evacuation out of the room she has always sought refuge within she hasn't been the same; too jumpy, too frightened... when she speaks, she's like a mouse surrounded by hidden predetors.

I've had a lot of urges lately. Maybe it's just the lack of cutting... but, it's still odd. I've had mental images of taking a steak knife and spilling the contents of my stomach... I've seen myself slicing off layers of skin and muscle and cutting my arms into slices like meat. Or of screaming and beating the ground until my hands bruise and bleed... visions of scratching new veins on my wrists and visible ribs on my chest. I sometimes imagine swallowing every Luvox pill at once... I feel SI and Ana rise to fill the gap where I watch the pictures. I want those things and I don't know why. The images confuse and frighten me but at the same time, it's a desire that seems to spread through my mind... something small keeps it at bay; the knowledge that no one really cares what I feel inside, so long as I seem okay on the outside. So long as I am a part of the family... so long as I smile.

Going to a professional is out of the question this time. They don't care either... they've done nothing but tell me it's all my fault. If it's all my fault then let me die... it is my fault. Dr. Roberts never said it out loud but her eyes told me what she thought I was: and attention-seeker, an emo kid following fads.

It's all I can feel sometimes. But I keep smiling... because that's what most people want to see. I'm glad I know some people who actually do care, though.

12/17/05 04:30 pm - back on track

Today's stats for now:

Consumed: 530?
Burned: -257
Total: 273

I'll change this when I get on later tonight and burn some more. I ate too much gingerbread and Ana flared up for a moment... I intend to stay on track this time. I need to have stability in all this confusion. ^__^ Inner happiness would complete this good feeling...

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12/17/05 02:01 pm - kay

I hate the idea of a pill controlling how I think... I can't seem to focus on what's going on inside my head, whether it's sound or image, and trying only forces me into further dissociation. I've done everything from deep breathing to meditation to constant listening in order to concentrate and it still evades me. There is a nagging voice telling me to let go and sink into forgettfulness. I almost want to... but truth is better, isn't it? I don't even remember what truth was inside my head; it's all lost.

Ana is despairing, SI is terrified, and OCD is long gone, now too forgettful to see anything beyond the front hall of my mind. But what shows is only the disconnection, unable to relate to inner truths... at least outside joy still exists to fill the void for the time being.

If I could cut, things would be better. If I were starving, things would be happier. But I can't seem to call those things into action anymore. Not now, at least, not yet.

This is worse.

12/16/05 02:04 pm - OMG :O

SQUEE!!! XD MJHFJHGJKGFYSDYFIUGDTHSFYTessdfuyrasyDFSDSDETa yaDFUArysjfx!!!!!!!!!!111!111!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, got that out of my system. ^___^ Now for the bad news:

- My access to the internet is pretty limited.
- I now share a room with a younger sister. >__<
- I have more appointments with outpatients.
- I'm not in Kingston!!!! :'(
- I don't have a webcam OR microphone anymore...
- my laptop is confiscated. >__<
- this semester is crap because I missed so many days.

Hrm, lessee... other than that... life sucks without razor blades. O___o

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12/15/05 12:46 pm - STILL not dead yet

So. Been a while, hasn't it? I've bee in the hospital as an inpatient. In fact, I'm writing from the hospital right now... I leave tomorrow but I'm not certain when I'll next have access to the internet. I can't even explain how confusing, though mostly wonderful, these past two weeks have been.

I'll start with an explaination of how I came here. My appointment on Wednesdy at 5:30 ended with the counsellor reccomending that my mom take me immediately to the hospital. The Numbness was in control and I certainly couldn't garruntee that I wouldn't try to kill myself; no control whatsoever and no reason to care. After an hour long drive we arrived at the hospital where I talked to a frillion psychologists and therapists all of whom merely seemed to think I was stupid. They arranged an appointment with Dr. Roberts the next day at four o'clock. When I went to see her she asked many of the same questions and then told me to wait in the waiting room. Then I was admitted and that's when it started.

I met a lot of people, most of whom have been discharged by now, and attended a lot of group therapy. The behavior psychologist's, Bev, had to has to be my least favorite. Her student, Laurie is nice, but Bev tends to single people out, which can be extremely distressing and embarrassing. Dr. Roberts is... very blunt. And frightening. She intimidates me so much! >___<;;

Uhg, I'm going to miss this place so much. Especially the people. Especially one person. He knows who he is. ^_______^ If he's reading this now I hope he knows that I am extremely grateful for all he's done for me... just existing (not to mention complementing me nonstop) made me feel less like the worst person alive. Ha... I didn't mean that how it sounded. Oops... O___o; Anyway, I'm kind of giddy and pathetic-feeling writing this, but thank you. Hm. I almost want to go into a girly rant... but I'll resist. No squeeing for me.

(but omg, i felt like the queen of flirting. seriously...... squee.)

*cough* Uhhh... o__o Anyhoo, back to reality.

Other highlights of my time away include the following:

1) My mom read my (real, physical) journal. Twice.
2) Took my blades. All of them. (No matter, I can get more.)
3) I started on a medication called Luvox. It makes me restless and hyper and seems to cloud my mind and keep me from focussing on my feelings. Which I HATE because although dwelling was bad, not knowing at all is infinately worse.
4) I made a frillion shrinkydinks. And a cyborg reindeer ornament.
5) I started knitting...horribly. ^__^ People who know me, get ready to wear some hideous Christmas presents!
6) OMG, AJ's shrinkydink present. That was so sweet... no, really, I mean that.
7) Um... my psychology teacher wants me to do a project on my two weeks in inpatients. He is INSANE.
8) The food here sucks and hospital pants suck but jello's good and so is free ice cream.
9) Not having sharp objects sucks.
10) Sharon Cocks. Read it again. Yep, ROFL.
11) Code Whites are kind of funny... but needles in the butt are not.
12) I will never forget any of this.

But yeah. Ana's woken up and started badgering me again... the Numbness takes over whenever she get's pushed back and disociation is even worse than ever before. SI is just scared. Life's okay but I'm not looking forward to being overwhelmed again. I want to go home and sleep in an actually comfortable bed and never, ever ask for help again. It makes me feel like too much of an attention-seeker.

11/30/05 11:28 am - bleh

I got in another -115 yesterday... making yesterday's stats:

Consumed: 0
Burned: 226 
Approximate total: -226

I hate Treat Days. I ate a chocolate-chip oatmeal cookie... I should have just said no; it wouldn't have made a difference. But at least I accidentily left my house key at school, forcing me to walk an extra ten minutes. That probably made up for the mistake.

The first session is tonight at 5:30. I have a feeling Ana will be bitchy about it but she'll live. I have no worries about SI, OCD, or the Numbness. SI's been pretty quiet (she tells me she's watching the Numbness for some reason) and OCD is pretty indifferent to anything but her soup can. O___o The Numbness has just been... strange.

Uhg, I just can't wait until... >___> I can't think of anything to look foreward to.

11/29/05 06:05 pm - you i it

I made what the Numbness said into a poem.

Like Bad PoetryCollapse )

11/29/05 05:53 pm - I used to love it

-111 cals on the tread. whee... We're having hamburger helper tonight; 360 calories! O__O;;  Fuck. But I'll walk some more after supper. That should help me get over the fattitude.
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11/29/05 12:14 pm

Lots of flopping lately but Ana's been able to maintain her confidence so far. I've been trying to reason with the Numbness as well, explaining the idea of fading away rather than dying so suddenly. It seems more like a child... with a huge vocabulary, no emotion, and a desire to kill itself. There's no holstility, no hate, no hurry... it's merely incapable of understanding.

But yeah, I pretty much have things on Ana's side for now. Which is what I prefer because she can actually be happy.

I have a school appointment in fourth period today... hopefully I won't end up at the hospital again. Fuck, am I ever tired of this though. I mean, if I were extremely thin and basically weightless, I'd be perfectly happy to be at school doing work. It's fucked up that that's when I'd be more likely to end up there. Well, at least walking around and working all day burns calories. I'm so gross right now. I can't stand it! I'd like to get on the treadmill but I have to walk back soon so I'll save it for tonight. Hope I don't eat anything! All I have to do is look at my hideously chubby self in the mirror and my apettite will be gone. ^__^

Hm. I wonder if I'll be able to control it when the others have the opportunity to speak through me instead of just type like what happened partway through that last paragraph.

11/28/05 09:20 pm - Yay swearing >___>

Ffffffffffffuck. I pigged out again. I am so completely fat. Disgusting. Euhg.

I wish Numbness and Ana would quit battling it out.

I wish the Numbness would fuck off and stop trying to fucking kill me!

I'm too tired to calm her down now... I'm just going to eat.

Giving in to it. Uhg, you MORON. You're just going to get fat. FATTER.

I'M FUCKING TIRED. I need a break. I don't care anymore. And now I'm typing to myself. Odd.

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11/28/05 04:48 pm - Getting better, easier...

HA, take that, Numbness! Good ol' treadmill, you never let me down... *hugs it* Another 222 cals off (so far 323) and tonight I'll go on again and burn more. Binging won't control me this time around! ^____________^
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11/28/05 03:24 pm - *glare*

FUCKING NUMBNESS.

For fuck's sake can I go a fucking week without binging!? Fuck you, Numbness! I don't need this. I was happy, or something like it. I don't even feel this shallow anger. I hate you! I'm so fucking fat... I HATE YOU!!! You always have to destroy everything that makes me happy. And shut the fuck up, SI, I don't care about your little lectures!

. . .

Okay, I didn't mean that. Ana did... but I didn't.

Just got a call back from my Dad. He reacted pretty much the same way as my good friend. Only more fatherly advice and 'you're-freaking-me-out'-ness. But my dad's cool. ^__^ Too bad I don't feel anything, otherwise I'd be ashamed. Or I'd care more about wanting to get better. Uhg.

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11/28/05 12:15 pm - Wheeee!

101 cals burned! YEEE!! Ana may make me feel horrible sometimes but it's these moments of complete happiness that I listen to her for. ^_______________^
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11/28/05 10:01 am

According to this calculator if I eat less than 400 calories and burn off at least 300 a day then it'll take me about two months to reach 110 from the 131 lbs I'm at now. I'm not certain of it's accuracy, but that sounds pretty good. Not that I own a scale, but OCD just loves having more numbers to play with.

I really, really, really want to be on the treadmill right now.

I haven't gotten an email from my Dad yet... I hope I didn't give him a heart attack. I'm really hoping he'll open up to me too so I can find out what's going on with him right now. We're a lot alike and I want him to know that I care.

Today was a snow day at school. ^___^ The timing is impeccable; today would have been my first day back since the hospital stuff and I'd rather not... be.... there. Wednesday is fast approaching... I wonder if they'll just cancel it because I'm completely insane and a danger to myself. Well, we'll see. In the mean time I'm going to go see if everyone's gone so I can get on the treadmill and burn some cals. Cals I haven't eaten, but cals nonetheless. ^__^;;

11/27/05 09:22 pm - O____O

OMG. I just told Daddy everything. O___O
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11/27/05 07:54 pm - w00t

I feel great! Forty-five or so minutes on the treadmill burned me about 260 cals. I ate way more than that today, but still! Ana is feeling better knowing that she always has a way to lose something. Scree! ^_______^

In other news, I drew this a coupleof days ago while extremely dissociated. Really bizzare...

discordanceCollapse )

11/27/05 12:22 pm - Woah.

Fuck. I'm still uncomfortable from that last post. I found out about the indigo documentary and felt SI pleading to speak. So I made a new entry and just... pulled her foreward. Then when I was finished I noticed Ana was really annoyed with her so I let her speak as well. I decided to continue it with OCD and... the Numbness. I didn't like the Numbness being in control; it kept imagining that it was walking to my room to find the razor blade but somehow couldn't connect that to actually moving the body. Maybe that's because Ana is feeling a little better. Anyway, I was talking to it while it was writing. I said it looked like poetry (resulting in places where it 'answered me').

It's weird, letting them talk/type for me. But I found stuff out I wouldn't have otherwise. I shouldn't have done the Numbness last though... now I'm really uncomfortable.

11/27/05 11:54 am - Numbness speaks

numbness it speaks if not right thing okay. so what of it if i seethe anger will be but unfeeling seems better it says

imagine the blade   blood    red and dripping, like life             unheard of    its tabboo                               but

not like life

so cold

fearful and deadly       if death were chosen freely it would be done

you i it

if

but not right, not truly. true. truth. unheard of. confusing. di s         ocon       nect          ed broken pieced and forgotten. past is passed but not truly. true. truth. trust. trust me. me us we i it you.

of course undeniably true. tell no lies it says no pain no gain no speedy recovery no ending note

discordance. dance frolic uncertainly.

string of words strung like lights on holiday festivities. broken bulbs unlike, uncrtain, unreal. un... unheard of. lifelike. secretive, perhaps. not sure. don'tknow. cold pick it up could change it could forget couldn couldn't. cold.

confused, a

nd not sure whats right whats wrong whats beyond

poetry? expressions like life only word-strung sentences broken places secret meaning hidden and uncertain

un

unreal. not real. a story a fairy tale fairly new fairly untrue.

ahhh, withdraw from fear from pain from discomfort from stings of poison pricks. be mindful

you i it who sewn together. no, ripped. torn and bleeding, broken, forgotten. uncertain unsure unreal. not true.

but why and how so softly lilting waver and fall. depths of un-ness.

to nothingness.               like bad poetry.

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11/27/05 11:34 am - OCD speaks

Why would I want to say anything? I mean, there's no point. I shouldn't even be touching this computer... I shudder to think what's on the keys. Uhg. I should probably clean it... and then avoid it for a week because of the chemicals. Fuck, I can't stand this chaos! Nothing will stay still, it's all completely insane! All these sounds are too much. Colours are out of place!!! I don't like the way I'm sitting... the back of the couch is too soft. I need to wash my hands.

Okay, that's a little better. it's kind of hard to type with these mittens on but i just washed my hands... ew, tap water. no way to get around it though. so fucking weird! none of it makes sense i hate this i hate this i hate this. can't calm down can't relax. fuck, just touched my face! i don't feel right... it's not good at all. i can't feel better unless i fix what's not right.

panic, panic panic,paicn panic panic. panic panic panic painc panic! if I keep writing it I'll just close my eyes it'll work out okay if I just be safe fixing the bad things. panic panic panic panic panicpanicpnanicpnaicpanicpaqnicpqnicpanicpanicpancipanicpanicpanicpaqnicpaniccnaipcxnpanicpanic.

UHG, now the word looks weird!

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11/27/05 11:19 am - Ana speaks

This is Ana.

I am so fucking fat! 131.4 and I probably gained a frillion pounds eating like a fucking pig every day since then. I hate this body, I don't want to be in it anymore!

Uhg, I'm such a pathetic nothing. All I do is whine and cry about my regrets and how the horrible world has fucked up my life! "Ohhh, my fourth grade teacher was a bitch! Sob, whine, sniffle!" FUCK THAT! Why bother whining about it? I don't even deserve to be reccognized and all I've done is ask for intelligence and fame to be handed to me on a silver platter. You've got to work for it, moron! You'll never live up to your own expectations and you can't lower them so do you do? You starve, that's what. Food is something you don't deserve anyway. If you're lucky, you might die.

And, hey! What's with telling everyone what's going on!? Fucking idiot, you're just making it more difficult! Remember how heavy it feels to eat? You'll be force-fed if you don't cooperate. Uhg, just wait until you go to university, then at least you won't have people shoving food in your face. That is, if you actually get to university... fucking Numbness.

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11/27/05 10:58 am - SI speaks

This is SI.

My heart is in pain... it hurts so much to know I'm wasting my life like this. I can't even express the horrible crushing feeling inside me; it is beyond words. The Indigo Evolution documentary is coming out... I had wanted so badly to be reccognized but I hadn't had the chance to be part of it. I have knowledge I need to share! It's tearing me up from the inside out... it hurts so much, I just want to cut myself and make it go away. I need to be known... it's so self-centered, but I can't ignore the fact that I know things. It's so useless what I'm doing... and so flawed.

I regret so much. Please, I don't want to die! I want to break free of this. But maybe I can't do it... maybe I'm not strong enough. I'm never going to be the best at anything... I'm just a pathetic fake-- but no, I can't be; I have so much potential. Wasted potential... empty possibilities. I'm doomed to mediocrity and it's all my fault! I've done nothing to help anyone or to show that I can be someone. Nothing. If only I had been given the chance in grade four when I was advancing... no point in whining about the past. I can't change it, it's too late. I'm young, it's too early for regrets. I should just rise above it.

But why does it hurt so much?

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11/27/05 09:09 am - No more, please!

Okay, I need to stop eating right now. My goal today is less than 800 calories and I will count every single one. I need to help Ana... she's scaring me. It's bad enough having the Numbness' suicide constantly on my mind, now I've got her's! I know there won't be many people who approve of this, but if I have Ana  back to her old self I'll have a better chance at... uh... okay, maybe not... but at least I'll have some control. Or, I guess Ana will have control. The important thing is that I wake her up!

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, remember, Ana? I can't taste it anyway! When I go to eat I'll just count to 100 and by then I'll have convinced myself not to. Please, don't lose yourself, Ana... it may seem hopeless, but I need you to help me avoid the Numbness.

Fuck, fuck, fuck... I wish I lived alone so I could just stop buying groceries. Then no one would force me to eat... and I don't need that right now. Easting would be extremely dangerous... I just know my mom won't see it that way. Fuck.

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11/26/05 05:28 pm - overwhelmed

Went shopping with my mom and aunt today. I got  a kick-ass coat and hat just in time for the snow, which was nice, but that didn't make me feel any better. Somehow I felt uncomfortable in public today, unsure and suspiscious of what others thought of me. I really miss having Ana and SI talking to me; they seemed to know, more of less, how to handle other people. Now I've just got OCD had random intervals, piping up to warn me not to touch things or to recount certain numbers.

I'm mostly just confused these days. When I'm awake I'd rather be bleeding and it's impossible to go through a day with fantasizing about killing myself. Anything I eat tastes unnatural, smells are often painfully unpleasent, sounds are too harsh, and everything I see is upsetting. I can't sleep at night and I don't feel safe enough to cry when I'm actually capable. I don't know what I'm doing or why and I can't figure out why everything hurts so much. It's overwhelming and when I'm overwhelmed I want nothing more than to drop everything and forget about it.

11/25/05 02:29 pm - Fucking numbers

I hate using the phone, I hate using the phone, I hate using the phone!

As soon as numbers stop being quantities they begin to bother me again. I just called the Crisis Line, as instructed by the worker, and it took me like twenty minutes to check and double-check the number, the time, the name of the worker I saw and my own name before I could actually do it. Speaking over the phone makes me feel shakey and uncertain unless I'm talking to someone I know very well. It freaks me out, especially dialling numbers and not being able to see people. Another flaw in Charles' plan... fucking Numbness!

I just want to stop fucking eating. Every bite is just another weight on Ana's shoulders. She wants out of this body and out of this mind! I can't even taste any of it... it doesn't have a texture or a real-seeming smell either. It's like swallowing rocks.

I want out of this... I've lost all control over this situation and it's only getting worse and worse.

11/25/05 10:25 am - Uncertain

I'm not sure what's going on. The Numbness now has a voice, or something like one, but I can't recall anything it's ever said. I can't hear my own thoughts anymore... Ana, OCD, and SI are silently wrapped up in their own confusions and I can't concentrate enough to go to them to find out what's wrong. I keep fantasizing about slicing along my arm, beginning at the wrist, or of floating from my body and not returning. At the same time, SI is screaming soundlessly. Death is just the final form of the Numbness though and I created it... it's confusing and I'm not exactly sure what I should be thinking.

I miss having Ana talking to me. Even if she was pretty pissy most f the time, she made me feel so strong when things went well. But I can't decide whohas control anymore, only the Numbness can do that now. I keep trying to tell myself I'm making it up, I never really heard them and it was never real. I can't remember what panic was like when OCD took over... I can't remember the fear and desperation that Ana felt or SI's concern for my life. I can't even onnect to what dissociation was like! Things are beyond unreal! It's not derealization anymore... it's... just impossible. I can't explain it because it isn't happening. Things are beginning to... unhappen. In a way, newspeak is really appropriate here because, just like in 1984, if I can't remember things they don't exist. For me, at least. Hm. That's weird.

Can I really trust anything I think, say, or remember anymore? Furthermore, can I trust what I experience?

11/24/05 05:14 pm - Nope, not dead yet

So, been a while, hasn't it? Moving into the new house isolated me from the internet for two and a half weeks (around there) but we've finally got it up again. No, I'm not dead yet. ^__^...

Heh, anyway, there really needs to be an update... lots of goings on. I'll start with yesterday:

My counsellor, Mrs. St.Martin called me from third period to meet the school nurse. We talked, eventually bringing D.I.D. into the picture as well as suicide. I can't remember specifics; the Numbness is very careful with what it allows me to remember (yes, it's got that power now... things have changed.) Later they called me from fourth period (around two, I think) and Mrs. St.Martin explained to me that she had called the child and youth service in an attempt to move the initial date closer. She told me that they were not specialized enough to work with dissociative identity disorder and advised her to have me take me to Emergency.

So... yeah.

I dislike hospitals but only OCD was bothered by it ("OMG SHE USED HAND A SANITIZER-TYPE CHEMICAL AND TOUCHED MY FACE ZKJFFRG!"). They took my vitals (twice, wtf with that?) and weighed me (HOL'SHIT, I weigh 131.4 lbs. Ana hates it like so much pie. Luckily she's quiet for now, but I'll get to that later) and then we watched soap operas where no one works except doctors wearing expensive-looking clothing and the psych ward is furnished with antiques and painted colours like crimson passion and seafoam shore. We sat for three hours in the waiting room before being moved to a smaller room where we waited for two more hours. Finally Charles Massey, with the Crisis Line, came and talked to me. He was cool, seemed to understand what I was saying. What I was saying just sounded insane but Mr. Massey (eh, what do I call him anyway?) didn't jump to that conclusion... and if he did, at least he didn't say so.

Anyway, we made 'a plan': I call the crisis line if I'm ever in danger of crossing the safety line when it comes to cutting; when the Numbness is controlling Ana or has silenced SI. Unfortunately I didn't think about that plan carefully enough because I realized after it was all over that the Numbness could very easily halt any thoughts or cloud my mind in such a way that I wouldn't desire to avoid it's actions. It's in no hurry though; the Numbness knows it can take as long as it needs to push SI away and crush Ana.

Speaking of Ana... she's lost her voice, more or less. Finding out I weigh so fucking much pissed her off but she's being restricted too much to restrict me any longer. Last week the Numbness decided to demonstrate it's control over her by forcing her into a binge. I ate more than I would eat in a month. She felt betrayed... Ana believed the Numbness would help her. Now she's broken and too empty to speak up.

I went through the rooms last week as well, to see where everyone was and whether or not things were still stable inside my head. (Most of this will make little sense, but basically the 'rooms' I'm mentioning are places I created years ago to visually represent my mind.) I entered through the skyscraper uneasily and was attacked by 'the thing' (the one from the not-a-dream) almost immediately. I decided to enter from the red chair in the main room instead because it had always seemed safer. I found OCD in her usual corner, turning over a can of soup and reading the numbers again and again.

"Hello, OCD... uh, how're you?" I asked carefully, kneeling beside her.

"Oh, I'm alright." She replied, sounding rational and normal. She broke into insane laughter so I left her alone.

I visited SI in her room as well. It's not the dark, warm place it was before the Numbness' take-over. I found her peeling off her skin like tissue paper again... long, thin strips of flesh-coloured paper were torn off to reveal a stiff steel spring-like skelliton with dull, red ends. She stared blankly at the charcoal and blood-red wall in front of her.

"SI... are you okay?" She didn't answer. "How can I help you?"

"Free me." It was just barely a whisper and hoarse like it was difficult to say. I reached and took her arm to lead her out of the room but she grunted in protest and turned away. That's when I noticed she was sitting on the rickety stool from the 'front hall' (also from the not-a-dream) and that the floor was sagging in the middle. It felt unsafe so I left and went through the backdoor into the front hall. I found Ana there, standing and facing the wall on the same side as the boxes (I'll post drawings of each room ASAP). The thing came in and started to rumage and destroy again but I turned to Ana.

"Ana, what are you doing? Ana?" I was having trouble concentrating because of the thing. I was starting to dissociate.

"Reading." She sounded a little timid; sorrowful but empty at the same time.

"Reading what!? What are you reading?" My brain was starting to expand and it felt like my head was growing in size while my mind and eyes were shrinking infinitely (not becoming smaller, only taking up less space, if that makes sense). I could physically feel my body getting smaller and becoming shaped like a newborn baby, though I wasn't moving at all, like I was paralyzed.

"The wall."

"What does it say? Please, tell me."

"Stuff." She shrugged, sounding indifferent. "You can read it too."

But I was already too dissociated to stay in that room. When I came out of it I was more numb than ever. So numb, so indifferent... so hollow and empty and unreal.

The appointment has been moved to the 30th of November at 5:30, by the way.

A timeline of how the personalities developed that I should remember befor the Numbness makes me forget:

1) Panic attacks
2) OCD rituals
3) OCD got out of control
4) cutting started to reduce panic and chaos
5) cutting created numbness
6) SI first developed as feeling after cutting
7) numbness got out of control, creating the Numbness
8) cutting created a middle ground between panic and numbness
9) the middle ground was taken over by the Numbness
10) the Numbness progressed into a more powerful state of unreality and derealization
11) Ana stepped in to seek control, change my physical appearance to be more 'reccognizable', and influence SI through causing self-harm and OCD through numbers and obsessions.
12) SI developed into a more rational, concerned voice of reason and tried to stop cutting because of Ana
13) OCD was taken over by the Numbness, weakening Ana and making her more inclined to agree with the Numbness
14) Ana was convinced to 'cross over to the darkside' (ha ha...) by the Numbness
15) the Numbness took away Ana's irrationality by reducing her feelings of anger and self-hate, making her more able to use her intellect to make me listen
16) the thing came in the not-a-dream
17) SI became unable to handle these changes and withdrew to her room, becoming the 'paper skin and steel-spring skelliton' version of herself
18) the Numbness 'betrayed' Ana, sending her into a binge and breaking her spirit, which resulted in her present condition

Yep. I'm still alive but the Numbness has become a malicious force that wants to kill me. How pleasently insane.

Anyway, my Mom moved my room from the third floor down to the second. Switched withmy younger sister. What a blow to my ego, I loved that room. But what can I say? I can't be trusted as long as the Numbness has control. Oh, how easy it would be... just like dissociation, only complete. The only reason I haven't killed myself is the fact that SI is still awake, though overwhelmed. I'm not sure how long I can place my trust fully on her ability to change my thinking just in time. The Numbness has lots of time. I wonder if I'll end up back at Emerg... meh.

11/13/05 09:29 am - Simple

You get this from your father. Oh, how easy it is just to blame it on the drug addict we escaped from. The man who also taught me to love quantum physics and told me I was wonderful everyday of my life. The brilliant could-have-been philosopher who happened to lose his way. Can anyone really be blamed for that? Yes, it was his choice, and yes, he did some stupid things... but I have seen only the good in him and I've done my best to learn from his mistakes. I wish I could tell him how alike we really are.
 
I wish I could help him feel better far more than I wish I could feel better. I want him to finish his book, get it published, and show the world that he's the next big name in science! He deserves that so much... God, imagine if he'd realized it earlier?
 
It's always the highly intelligent that have to suffer. He doesn't deserve it... if only I knew for certain he'd be okay. If anything, before something happens to him, I want to see his book published and his knowledge passed on... I could never do it, I need him.
 
Please, Daddy... don't forget that you're here for other people too.
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11/12/05 05:34 pm - sick all over

I almost had a panic attack before dinner when my mom said what we were having -- hamburgers, one of the few foods I don't know the caloric value of. I convinced her to make Hamburger Helper stroganough instead and then made it myself, exactly like the package said. 360 cals, but at least I know. I feel heavy and sick and I want to cry. It's so unpleasent and completely different than the wonderful empty-stomach feeling... it's below my old limit (400) though, so it's not too bad. I just hate eating. It tasted horrible and I used to love it. I spent a lot of time cutting the little noodles into even slices and that helped a little. I made sure to get as close to a cup as possible of the stuff so I didn't mess up the number. Uhg. I can't wait until monday when it'll be easier to skip meals.
 
I feel sick all over.
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11/12/05 03:16 pm - Nice

Feeling this empty is so nice... I haven't eaten for two days, I think. I am kind of weak but even that seems almost comforting. It's better than eating and better than feeling heavy. I don't feel actually hungry, I just feel... light. ^__^
 
Changing my hair not only took away some weight but also altered my appearance. I still don't really recognize myself... but the hairstyle is easier to visualize. Before I couldn't visualize myself at all but now I can get that hair perfect. Getting thinner will help with the rest, maybe..
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11/12/05 01:52 pm - Quizzes

Quiz time... related, of course.Collapse )

11/11/05 08:31 pm - hair cut, whoo

It's just like after she found out about my cutting; soft voice, taking me out places, buying me things... it's so predictable. I know she tries but she is ignorant of her own tendancies...
 
She even let me get my hair cut tonight, something I've been coaxing into her for months. It's right at my shoulder now... so much lighter. That's even what I was thinking while it was being snipped off: "I wonder how much weight I'm losing with this?" I feel good because of that... Ana is silenced -- especially since I haven't been forced to eat.
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