So, been a while, hasn't it? Moving into the new house isolated me from the internet for two and a half weeks (around there) but we've finally got it up again. No, I'm not dead yet. ^__^...
Heh, anyway, there really needs to be an update... lots of goings on. I'll start with yesterday:
My counsellor, Mrs. St.Martin called me from third period to meet the school nurse. We talked, eventually bringing D.I.D. into the picture as well as suicide. I can't remember specifics; the Numbness is very careful with what it allows me to remember (yes, it's got that power now... things have changed.) Later they called me from fourth period (around two, I think) and Mrs. St.Martin explained to me that she had called the child and youth service in an attempt to move the initial date closer. She told me that they were not specialized enough to work with dissociative identity disorder and advised her to have me take me to Emergency.
I dislike hospitals but only OCD was bothered by it ("OMG SHE USED HAND A SANITIZER-TYPE CHEMICAL AND TOUCHED MY FACE ZKJFFRG!"). They took my vitals (twice, wtf with that?) and weighed me (HOL'SHIT, I weigh 131.4 lbs. Ana hates it like so much pie. Luckily she's quiet for now, but I'll get to that later) and then we watched soap operas where no one works except doctors wearing expensive-looking clothing and the psych ward is furnished with antiques and painted colours like crimson passion and seafoam shore. We sat for three hours in the waiting room before being moved to a smaller room where we waited for two more hours. Finally Charles Massey, with the Crisis Line, came and talked to me. He was cool, seemed to understand what I was saying. What I was saying just sounded insane but Mr. Massey (eh, what do I call him anyway?) didn't jump to that conclusion... and if he did, at least he didn't say so.
Anyway, we made 'a plan': I call the crisis line if I'm ever in danger of crossing the safety line when it comes to cutting; when the Numbness is controlling Ana or has silenced SI. Unfortunately I didn't think about that plan carefully enough because I realized after it was all over that the Numbness could very easily halt any thoughts or cloud my mind in such a way that I wouldn't desire to avoid it's actions. It's in no hurry though; the Numbness knows it can take as long as it needs to push SI away and crush Ana.
Speaking of Ana... she's lost her voice, more or less. Finding out I weigh so fucking much pissed her off but she's being restricted too much to restrict me any longer. Last week the Numbness decided to demonstrate it's control over her by forcing her into a binge. I ate more than I would eat in a month. She felt betrayed... Ana believed the Numbness would help her. Now she's broken and too empty to speak up.
I went through the rooms last week as well, to see where everyone was and whether or not things were still stable inside my head. (Most of this will make little sense, but basically the 'rooms' I'm mentioning are places I created years ago to visually represent my mind.) I entered through the skyscraper uneasily and was attacked by 'the thing' (the one from the not-a-dream) almost immediately. I decided to enter from the red chair in the main room instead because it had always seemed safer. I found OCD in her usual corner, turning over a can of soup and reading the numbers again and again.
"Hello, OCD... uh, how're you?" I asked carefully, kneeling beside her.
"Oh, I'm alright." She replied, sounding rational and normal. She broke into insane laughter so I left her alone.
I visited SI in her room as well. It's not the dark, warm place it was before the Numbness' take-over. I found her peeling off her skin like tissue paper again... long, thin strips of flesh-coloured paper were torn off to reveal a stiff steel spring-like skelliton with dull, red ends. She stared blankly at the charcoal and blood-red wall in front of her.
"SI... are you okay?" She didn't answer. "How can I help you?"
"Free me." It was just barely a whisper and hoarse like it was difficult to say. I reached and took her arm to lead her out of the room but she grunted in protest and turned away. That's when I noticed she was sitting on the rickety stool from the 'front hall' (also from the not-a-dream) and that the floor was sagging in the middle. It felt unsafe so I left and went through the backdoor into the front hall. I found Ana there, standing and facing the wall on the same side as the boxes (I'll post drawings of each room ASAP). The thing came in and started to rumage and destroy again but I turned to Ana.
"Ana, what are you doing? Ana?" I was having trouble concentrating because of the thing. I was starting to dissociate.
"Reading." She sounded a little timid; sorrowful but empty at the same time.
"Reading what!? What are you reading?" My brain was starting to expand and it felt like my head was growing in size while my mind and eyes were shrinking infinitely (not becoming smaller, only taking up less space, if that makes sense). I could physically feel my body getting smaller and becoming shaped like a newborn baby, though I wasn't moving at all, like I was paralyzed.
"What does it say? Please, tell me."
"Stuff." She shrugged, sounding indifferent. "You can read it too."
But I was already too dissociated to stay in that room. When I came out of it I was more numb than ever. So numb, so indifferent... so hollow and empty and unreal.
The appointment has been moved to the 30th of November at 5:30, by the way.
A timeline of how the personalities developed that I should remember befor the Numbness makes me forget:
1) Panic attacks
2) OCD rituals
3) OCD got out of control
4) cutting started to reduce panic and chaos
5) cutting created numbness
6) SI first developed as feeling after cutting
7) numbness got out of control, creating the Numbness
8) cutting created a middle ground between panic and numbness
9) the middle ground was taken over by the Numbness
10) the Numbness progressed into a more powerful state of unreality and derealization
11) Ana stepped in to seek control, change my physical appearance to be more 'reccognizable', and influence SI through causing self-harm and OCD through numbers and obsessions.
12) SI developed into a more rational, concerned voice of reason and tried to stop cutting because of Ana
13) OCD was taken over by the Numbness, weakening Ana and making her more inclined to agree with the Numbness
14) Ana was convinced to 'cross over to the darkside' (ha ha...) by the Numbness
15) the Numbness took away Ana's irrationality by reducing her feelings of anger and self-hate, making her more able to use her intellect to make me listen
16) the thing came in the not-a-dream
17) SI became unable to handle these changes and withdrew to her room, becoming the 'paper skin and steel-spring skelliton' version of herself
18) the Numbness 'betrayed' Ana, sending her into a binge and breaking her spirit, which resulted in her present condition
Yep. I'm still alive but the Numbness has become a malicious force that wants to kill me. How pleasently insane.
Anyway, my Mom moved my room from the third floor down to the second. Switched withmy younger sister. What a blow to my ego, I loved that room. But what can I say? I can't be trusted as long as the Numbness has control. Oh, how easy it would be... just like dissociation, only complete. The only reason I haven't killed myself is the fact that SI is still awake, though overwhelmed. I'm not sure how long I can place my trust fully on her ability to change my thinking just in time. The Numbness has lots of time. I wonder if I'll end up back at Emerg... meh.